Unbalanced and Uncertain, maybe, but never Undeterred

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the whole "money/necessity connection."  Of course I recognize that there is real need for money, but I'm not sure what to make of it.  That is, I don't see any obvious conclusion following from that fact alone.

My general feeling is that I don't have time to think about money.  So I guess that's what makes "operating in the red" so unpleasant.  In the east I've got a long shelf-life, but here I'm the brown bananas on special.  I won't last long if I don't find proper work, no doubt about that.  So why does it all still seem like a riddle?

I don't have all the specifics, but I'm clearly in the middle of something critical.  My soul's needs and desires are somehow imminent.  And yet they don't seem to jive with the unrelenting tide of fear and uncertainty created in my mind.  My uncomprehending, fearful, human mind.  It's a battle that rages on, even as I sit here now.  The day of my death will reveal the victor.  For now I have only to exhale my fears and hold on tight.  If only it were as easy as it is simple...

My heart and soul crave India, but "the right" thing to do is take proper work and...well, address that money/necessity thing, right?  Hah!  Am I really just another cliche backpacker?  If I heard it once I heard it a thousand times: I want to travel but I have to work and save money.  

Enough of my musings!  Are you people as tired of my brain as I am?  I need sleep!  I need moderation!  I need to tame the beast that is my mind!  

.    .    .    .    .    .    .    .

The weather here is crazy, with three weeks now of swirling clouds, rain and thunderstorms.  (For those back home, I first tried the whole "three weeks of rain thing" last summer in Nepal.  At that time I felt strongly that the rain was having a negative effect on my state of mind.)  As I write this now the sky is dark and the rain - nearly vertical and pounding the ground - sounds like a standing ovation with thunder claps and sirens as accompaniment.  A propos maybe for my swirling state of mind.

For those who are stuck in a hole, take heart.  Just as Mr. Ben Harper so softly and sweetly assures us all again and again, there will be a light...

all my love,

LMA