What if that goat named Chuck is really a camel named Carl? ..And Other Thoughts of the Day

The waters deep inside are churning.  I moved again on Saturday and will stay in my current locale for the next two weeks (a reminder for those with a land-line number from the last locale: please discard).

I believe I have accepted my gypsy-like existence remarkably well, considering how much I long for my own place again.  A place with my very own kitchen.  My very own bed.  And dare I dream...of a small garden with tomatoes, lettuces, basilic and menthe?  A lemon tree?  A goat named Chuck?

The suspicion that I might need to properly settle down has evolved into a priority since my arrival home in California almost five months ago.  But the meaning of the words "settle down" remains unclear.

My western education - saveur a Southern California - has shaped my perspective.  I thought (think?) I needed to live in the west, in one place with proper work and saving and with all my needs met.  But the many western accoutrements I have distained for years - the pervasive car culture, the huge supermarkets that don't sell food, the credit cards and shopping and massive amounts of packaging, slaughterhouses, insane amounts of waste and stress - these things are even more unpalatable today than they were five years ago...  

Now here I am in what I consider to be the best city in North America.  People here can have a high-quality life where the unpalatable accoutrements listed above can be greatly minimized if not eliminated altogether.  And yet, after months of looking for my place here, I feel less inclined than ever to find it!  Something about this lifestyle remains stubbornly and fundamentally unsettling to my soul.  

We are so comfortable.  We have a remarkable abundance of everything, so much so that we throw away mass amounts of it without a second thought.  But all of it, every bit, is earned on the backs of others.  What about Paco, the guy earning 25 cents an hour to make that plastic thing you bought at Walmart for $2.99 last week and threw out yesterday?  I've never met Paco, but I've seen these people so I know they're out there.  And I know they are suffering things we don't dare to imagine...

To make my life here in North America I must accept and be complicit in our long-term, systematic and comprehensive suppression and exploitation of people - people all over the world, people with real souls and real fears and real needs, not western needs.  People who desire and deserve quality of life just like we do.  How can we care about these people if we live in a comfortable denial of their existence?  It's a cultural perpetration of the worst sort, one that can't be overstated.  And all of it brutally, crassly delivered with the hearty assurance that "we're here to help."   Who is going to own this? 

For me, to live comfortably in North America is analogous to swallowing the soma.*  North America is simply not the place to sensitize myself to the real needs of people all over the world.  In India I learned that in order to evolve I must cultivate my compassion.  How is this possible if I am comfortably shielded from the misery and suffering of others?  

I have struggled to integrate the elements battling inside me since my return to California, and the battle continues.   I don't know where my path will lead and I don't have lofty plans to save the world.  My life will involve service of some kind, but all I know for sure is that my intuition is guiding the way.  I have only to be open and ready for what comes.  I am here to evolve, not enjoy; there is work to be done and there are difficult lessons to be learned.

All said and done, it's still a great life here in Montreal and I am fortunate to be able to appreciate and enjoy the time I am here...I am a truly blessed soul indeed.

All my love and gratitude to friends, family and my many, many guardian angels,

LMA

*soma is the happy pill that everyone takes in Huxley's classic novel Brave New World, described in the book as "all the advantages of Christianity and alcohol, none of their defects."  I highly recommend this one as it's as relevant today as it was eighty years ago.

PS:  I absolutely love my new beginning English class; I have two students, one from Morocco and one from Romania.  We have the best discussions in class with plenty of laughing...I can't believe I get paid to do this!!

PPS:  Thank you Katya and Dima for your notes!   I miss you and love you!