Tax Crunch Ain’t Got Me Down

Last year’s tax crunch was a nightmare, one that I paid Wally the Insensitive Tax-Man $200 to finagle. This year I’m tackling the job myself, and I am determined to get a goddamned refund. That may sound uncouth to you, but GODDAMNIT IF I AM FORCED TO LIVE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN COUNTRY, SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY ME.

Anyway, seems that I don’t have to finagle too much, as my general tax strategy is to remain as poor as possible so I can “fly under the radar.” Not only am I successfully poor again this year, but I also get to deduct all that money I paid the Mexicans to move my stuff to DC! Whoo-hoo!

I suspect most people underestimate the benefits of being poor. American Greed is so deeply ingrained in our culture that most people don’t realize they are subject to its insidious grasp. Why do we automatically believe that more is better? When did we give up independent thought? When did we sell our souls for an extra hundred bucks?

Being poor isn’t the scariest thing these days anyway. The scariest thing these days has to do with Permanent Damage.

I always figured the secret to my success as a human being (aside from low expectations) has been the fact that, in spite of my many mistakes and bad choices, I’ve always managed to emerge without any Permanent Damage. No death, no psychologically messed-up kids, no missing teeth or limbs, no felony convictions (yet). Yup, I am one lucky bitch.

Gosh! All this time we’ve been good, afraid Americans, just like our leaders tell us to be. But oops! We’ve been afraid of the wrong things! Forget the war in Iraq (which Bush blamed on Saddam yesterday), forget scary turban-headed terrorists, forget violent anti-abortion activists, forget medical bills, taxes, AIDS and obesity. We are all going to die of cancer.

The invention of chemicals in the 40’s was the real beginning of the end. The question isn’t whether we will die of cancer; it’s what kind will we die from? Can’t go back now, it’s already here.

Sure we’ll be throwing the baby out with the bathwater (goodbye earth!). But we can console ourselves with the truism that all good things must come to an end, and that includes the good ‘ol U.S.A. We simply didn’t handle the responsibility of caring for our planet, so we don’t deserve to live.

May our deaths be quick and peaceful.

A tout a l’heure!

LMA