A Sign from God?

Thank you to everyone who sent me happy birthday wishes!! I woke up to wonderful messages from my mama, Vince, Ita (You’re finally online!!!), Dana #1 (a.k.a. CB), The Swiss Contingent and Maltman (who delivered the words “gosh, you’re old” with his usual charm and grace)…and then more messages from Dad and Lis and a handful of friends scattered around the globe (Canada, Israel, Japan, Germany)…how is it possible that I am so blessed?!

Since last year, I have had visions of celebrating a triumphant 30th birthday while camping on a remote island. With the full moon and warm water, my environment would personify my bright future…
Yesterday I was not on my island, but in Pahar Ganj (a.k.a. the main bazaar, a.k.a. the western tourist nightmare in the center of Delhi) where Maria has a guesthouse. We spent the day consoling and distracting ourselves with street munchies and the many clothing and jewellery shops in the bazaar. I distinctly dislike the overwhelming whirling madness of Delhi’s main bazaar, so I can't explain why I spent much of the day there.

Then, we had a brilliant idea...we had both wanted one for a long time and now was suddenly the right moment. The jewellery walla pulled out some rusty-looking pliers and clippers and Maria offered for me to go first. I laughed nervously as he straightened the pin with the pliers and clipped the end to resemble a nail. Then, after approving the spot he marked on my nose, he simply pushed it right through, like a nail puncturing a bicycle tire. It was all over in a second.

Delhi isn’t the dirtiest city in India and I’m well stocked with betadine and q-tips (thanks Lis!), so there’s hope. I’ll keep the pin as long as it doesn’t infect…this is my third attempt and I'm quite sure this time will be successful...heh heh.

Not long after puncturing ourselves, I discovered my mobile had disappeared. Insert big sigh here. I have been cherishing the text messages from my brother and mama during the last weeks, reading them over and over in moments of loneliness. A quick message home can be a real boost, too. Besides all that, it’s useful to be connected in a major city like Delhi. As soon as I realized it was gone I remembered Swamiji’s words about lost items of value; this is your past karma getting worked out, so just accept it and move on. I thought to myself that I may have to lose many more things in my life, so why not just get good at it now?

I am sad to be off the radar again, but maybe this is a sign from God that I shouldn't consider a western-style city life, even if it is in India? I was addicted to the mobile. It's like crack, and this is generally not good. Tomorrow I will check again on the progress of my new visa. If it is ready, inshallah, does it mean I should move?

For the moment at least, there is nothing triumphant about my situation. My birthday comes this year amidst a cloud of uncertaintly and a series of difficult lessons. Lessons that I am struggling to understand and incorporate into my life. It seems to me that my spiritual progress is on pause while I live in this western dream world known as Delhi. I am torn between the old patterns of greed and materialism I honed in my shallow past and my great desire to flee to the ashram I have promised myself since first left Rishikesh back in June...

But for whatever reason, God and the FRRO office want me to stay in Delhi, a place where my best qualities do not flourish. As usual I cannot comprehend why, but these things take time to become clear. As I understand very well by now, plans are a western fabrication of the mind. There is no such thing as “plans,” only dreams. And my dreams are not gone, only postponed.

In the meantime, thank you everyone for sending me your love. It sustains me through these periods of confusion and uncertainty. This birthday will be a memorable one, if not the moment of triumph I had hoped for. Doubtless there will be triumphant moments in my future, as well as the losses. It matters little. Whatever ups and downs life brings, I am ready for them all.

Biggest hugs ever,
LMA