A Few Hard Lessons

I'm fully understanding now that in India, as a single woman, I am a little more than a liability.

There is no place for me to go, and no one can help me without risking castigation by society. In my mind, I understand that it's not personal, but in my heart I am struggling. I am an American woman. I am outwardly friendly and liberated. I hold myself with a confidence not seen in Indian women. I am accustomed to doing as I please, when and where I please, and I am privileged enough that these things come naturally to me. Only now am I finally learning to keep my face expressionless in the streets.

I was told by the Foreigner's Registration office not to leave Delhi. But as it gets more and more difficult to stay here alone, I long for the "ease" (all things being relative, of course) of the backpackers' circuit. A place where I am forgiven for being a foreigner. A place where no one "commands" me to do anything.

But in true Indian society I am not given any special consideration for being foreign. Everywhere I go I must hide, keeping my eyes on the ground and implicitly apologizing all the while for the crime of being female (and it certainly does not help me that I look Indian!). Is this the sad reality for women all over the world?

The trials and abuse suffered by the incredible women in my lineage are an undeniable indication of my life's purpose. How can I stand by, enjoying the privileged life of a truly free American woman, while so many others are held captive by their societies? My short time here and my minor difficulties have left me tired and spent. I feel I have lost my way. And yet, God tells me there is a purpose for it all.

One of the only ways to develop real compassion for others is to endure real suffering ourselves. In this case, I will gladly continue to suffer...

with deep love and gratitude for my dear friends and family,

LMA