The Book Just Writes Itself

First I must thank all of the lovely people who contacted me after reading my last posting. I was surprised by the outpouring of concern and encouragement from around the world...humbled, even; did my minor existential crisis warrant all the drama? Yes or no, all of your love and support did the job and I'm happy to report that I no longer need to flee the country in desperation.

Quickly after my tortured decision to give up and leave India, I realized I had nowhere to "go back" to. South California is my hometown but there is no place for me there. I don't have a car, I don't have health insurance. Everyone I know is quite stressed and busy keeping up with work and life. A few days visit is wonderful, but much more than that and I am just a burden on my loved ones. Unless I plan to take a proper full-time job and put down roots, it's not really an option for me anymore.

So where did that leave me? My mind cycled through all the options. A flight to anywhere in North America was too expensive - especially without a job at the end of it - and it seems now is not the best time to be looking for work anyway. I have a number of outstanding invitations to Russia, but a visa from the embassy in Delhi takes nearly two months to process, two months I didn't have to spare. Mexico is always calling to me, but again the financial aspect. It seemed there was nowhere I could run away to..

I slipped back into The Hole and for some time I was unable to speak with anyone, just like old times. I was horrified that it could happen, actually, that I could sink so low here in India. My lowest moments have always been limited to California and D.C.

When I was finally able to speak, I went to see Swamiji (my counselor). I sat on his sofa, tears streaming down my face as he helped me understand why I had my breakdown, why I felt so desperate to run away and take a job, and how wrong thinking led me to believe I was immune to depression here in India.

He told me that I could run away if I needed to, but that it would lead to short-term satisfaction only. I considered that for a while (and my intuition told me the same thing, actually) and decided to stick it out, to breathe, to pray for guidance and to redouble my efforts at patience. The next day darkness and desperation were back in full force.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

My guardian angels finally took action and sent an old friend from Quebec to quite literally drag me out of my room and re-socialize me. Christine (a.k.a. "Krishna Babi") introduced me to Laura, a hilarious, high-maintenance firecracker from London and together the three of us laughed our heads off. Three laughing girls are essentially magnets and soon we had acquired a bit of a group, including another Brit, one French, two Israelis and one Ukrainian. In our short time together (one week?) we had a number of adventures including a six-hour hike up the mountain in the monsoon (would have made a great episode of survivor as we alternately "turned against" each other) as well as an ill-fated massage where I watched Laura get molested by her masseuse. But these mishaps only fueled the endless laughter.

The social interaction distracted me from my inner torment and reminded me that I was okay, in spite of all the stresses, expectations, uncertainties..

At some point in this period, Shepherd Dan came back to Rishikesh with his adorable hippie mother, Uschi, who reminds me a bit of my dear grandmother. At the tender age of 22, Shepherd Dan (now known as "Reiki Master Dan") is an evolved soul and ever since we met I had been hoping to meet the woman who made him possible. She is indeed a special lady and has invited me to visit her at their home in Germany.

A day later, I had another invitation to Germany via email. The back-to-back invites prompted me to check for flights, and as if God himself was giving me his personal blessing, I found a return flight to Frankfurt for less than 450 USD. Wait, there's more...today I discovered that my full-power sister-in-law will be in Cologne during this time, so I will also have the opportunity to visit her!

So while I may not be escaping India after all, I will be off to Germany for a much-needed holiday in a clean and ordered environment, the antithesis of my chaotic and filthy India. I will take the opportunity to visit friends, to go swimming and cycling, drink a few beers and cringe at a few sausages. I hear the brown bread is delicious and that Germans love to speak English. And I'll take the opportunity to check out a few work opportunities as well.

And by the middle of October, all should be much calmer and cooler here in my adopted hometown of Rishikesh and I'll be ready to start again with my studies and practice. I don't need to run away anymore, I just need to have a break.

How many times do I have to learn this one, anyway? As I mentioned to my parents, as long as I was desperate to go somewhere, anywhere, there were no options available to me. Then, once I accepted that this is where I live and I was no longer desperate to escape, the planets aligned and paved the way for me to have a break. I had a parallel experience when I was stuck walking with the babas...a magical story actually, that I'll have to share another time. Maybe in the book :)

Battered, Bruised, Incredibly Blessed

Today my auntie had a question for me that I was not sure how to answer. She wanted to know what "bad thing" happened to me that I felt I had to "run away from India and all it represents."

I'd have to say that, looking back at my adventures this summer, I realize now that they were what you might call "hard core." While most travelers here head north to tourist havens like Dharamsala and Manali, where they can escape the heat and relax in comfortable restaurants, I had the inclination to make holy pilgrimages in the most difficult manner possible. With hindsight, I realize now that it was extreme. But it took a bit of a breakdown for me to see it.

Swamiji helped me understand that part of the reason I suddenly began fantasizing about having a proper job in the west (and everything that goes with it, including a job title, money, nice clothes and shoes, an apartment with a comfy bed, washing machine, refrigerator...etc. etc) is because my ego suddenly realized it was not in control anymore and was feeling the need for a boost in the form of external comforts (and status).

That is, five weeks in one set of cheap, dirty clothes, eating random free food, drinking dodgy water, sleeping anywhere and having no hairbrush seemed to have broken my ego. I can now vaguely imagine what it must be like to be homeless.

Swamiji's explanation made a lot of sense to me, partly because when I did have all these things in the past, I actually felt my life was quite pointless. So why would I suddenly fantasize about going back to that now? Especially when I had worked so hard to get out of that life, the life I now refer to as the work-and-consume hamster wheel? Because my ego was hurt; living like a homeless loser turned out to be a devastating blow to my ego.

I'm happy to report that I am not fantasizing about having these things again...it seems my ego was adequately assuaged by a week of laughter and socializing with friends. And now that it feels better, I can listen to my intuition which tells me a few things; first, that running away is generally a bad idea. Second, that even if I have money and nice clothes and respect from others, that eventually the pointlessness of it all will resurface. And third, that even if I am impatient and fearful, I must continue along this path that leads to ??????

So, dear auntie, nothing bad happened to me as you are imagining. It turns out that my very own choice to walk the streets and live like a baba - a homeless person - was a much more difficult experience than my ego was prepared for. I simply went too far, bruised my self-esteem and needed some emergency reassurance.

I think it's quite safe to say that India is many things, but it is not comfortable. And taking into account my own personal fear of mountains (the exact opposite of my "comfort zone"), that I was raised to be something of a princess, and that my very own beloved mama holds creature comforts to be of paramount importance...it is no wonder that my summer experiences pushed me over the edge!

. . . . .

This summer is just the latest in a tradition of difficult summers that began in 2002 (the Swiss contingent will recall that one, I'm sure). Before I left to come here, I mentioned to my mama that this year would be a difficult one. And now I know why. But happily, I now have the feeling that big changes are on the horizon - positive changes - and that it is possible this is the last difficult summer I will have to endure for a while.

Thank God for my intuition! Without it, I could never be here doing what I am doing...because, well, what am I doing here?? It's just not clear, now is it? If my intuition didn't tell me that I am 100 percent on the right track, I could never endure this madness, the endless stresses and discomforts, the uncertainty...

But it's enough reflection for today. I apologize for turning this blague into a full-blown diary at times (I imagine that my endless personal revelations must be boring for most), but I actually don't control what comes out of my head.

I assure you there is quite a bit more to this story, that I've actually only peeled back the first layer. But for now all I'll say is thanks to all for so much love in my life!!!!

with greatest appreciation,

LMA

...and I'm not even getting to details like the magical layer of fog presently sitting on Mother Ganga, the solar eclipse, Lord Krishna's birthday, the long, torturous nights without electricity, the local people who take care for me, the cows who eat aluminum trays and the million other details of life in a world with constant sensory overload!

Maybe next time.